Sarcastic, Naughty, and Borderline Insulting Birthday Wishes

One of the best parts of having siblings and friends that we are very close to is that we can enjoy dark humor and criticisms with them without worrying about denting the beautiful relationship.

That said, here is a cool collection of sarcastic, naughty, and borderline insulting birthday wishes that are great for a birthday celebrant who is very close to you.

Scroll down for Birthday Wishes & Messages

For Your Best Friend

  • Dear bud, you’re now getting so old that next year we’re going to have to bring the strippers to your nursing home.
  • Happy birthday to my best buddy in the entire universe. May you grow so old that the devil gets frustrated waiting for your arrival!
  • My best wishes, best friend. Please don’t blow on the cake too hard, because some of us actually plan to eat it.
  • All the Best! | Birthday Wishes for My Best Friends
  • You, my best friend, totally forgot about my birthday last year, but I wanted to use the occasion of yours to still give you this gift and prove once and for all I’m the better man.
  • Dear bud, if you’re not married by this time next year, my gift to you is going to be a mail order bride from Russia.
  • Buddy, my gift to you this year is a lifetime supply of batteries for your s*x doll.
  • I wish you long life but not necessarily wealth, because if you were rich today, you’d probably be dead by tomorrow.
  • Even if our relationship completely dissolves this coming year, I wanted to take this time to still show appreciation for the cool times we shared together. Best of luck, best friend.
It's your birthday? Does it look like I care?
It’s your birthday? Does it look like I care?
  • You’re a jacka*s of all trades as well as the master of none, but I still love you even though you’re an underachiever. Many happy returns, dear friend.
  • The reason you’re my best friend is that I’m able to perceive your hidden qualities, and as you age I hope they come out for the entire world to see.
  • The fact that I went out and bought you such I nice gift even though you owe me money should let you know how I feel about you. Happy bday, dear friend.
  • Many happy returns! My wish for you is long life, completely free of STDs.
  • May life grant you as many lovers as it grants you years, dear bestie.

For Your Sister

  • Happy birthday to my sister, the arch enemy of my life, the kryptonite to my superpowers, the mouse to my elephant, the thorn in my side.
  • Happy bday, sister. This year I decided to use the occasion of your birthday to show how I truly feel about you, so there’s a restraining order stapled to your card.
  • You’re growing so fat that next year I’m going to hang your cake from the ceiling just to get you to do a few jumping jacks. Wishing you the best, my dearest sis.
  • Sweet sis, this year to prove that I’m not a bad person, I decided to get a gift which is the exact opposite of how I feel about you.
Your bum definitely looks huge in that. I'd skip the birthday cake if I were you...
Your bum definitely looks huge in that. I’d skip the birthday cake if I were you…
  • Life has blessed some people with sisters who are beautiful, intelligent, hardworking, witty, and I have you. Happy birthday all the same.
  • I couldn’t think of a gift to buy you this year because you already have all the best life has to offer – beauty, brains and a direct blood relationship with me.
  • This year, I didn’t buy you clothes because at the rate you gain weight, in a couple of months from now you probably won’t be able to fit into them.
  • If bitterness were a flavor I would have made this cake out of it so you can get a taste of how you make others feel, but I’m not going to let your lack of joy deter us from celebrating your life. Many happy returns, sis.
  • Dearest sister, my wish for you this coming year is a committed boyfriend so that you won’t grow old with a questionable reputation.
  • The fact that you don’t appreciate me isn’t going to stop me from appreciating you, so I’m taking this time to wish you a happy birthday and many more.

For Your Brother

  • Best wishes, dear brother. We get along like Cain and Abel, but I’m still appreciative of your life.
  • The only reason I never called you the son of a b***h is because we share the same mother.
  • I don’t know what term is better to describe you – an a**hole or a whole a*s. You’re lucky you have someone like me for a brother, who is able to appreciate you despite your shortcomings.
  • Happy birthday, dear brother, and in this approaching year of your life, may all that you give out come back to you.
On your birthday, you're going out in THAT?
On your birthday, you’re going out in THAT?
  • You’re the scum of the earth, an a-hole, a true lowdown, dirty vato – but I like that, I like that! Happy birthday, bro. #TrainingDayquote
  • I’ve watched you grow from a brilliant student with unlimited potential to an unemployed drifter who seems like he has no future.
  • You’ve never bothered to give me a shoutout on my birthday, but life is about treating others as you want to be treated and not how they treat you, so please accept my sincerest birthday greetings, big bro.
  • May you live until a ripe old age, and as time progresses, may the future forget all of your mistakes of the past.
  • I wanted to take this occasion to show how much I love your dumb a*s because by this time next year you’d probably be in jail.
  • When I think about the opportunities you’ve caused me to miss, I sometimes get bitter. However, occasions like today remind me of why I care for you so much. Happy birthday, beloved bro.
  • You were more popular in school, yet I’m a more successful adult, but since you’re my brother we must share some of the same talents. Thus my birthday wish is for you is to tap into those submersed attributes and rise out of the mire of mediocrity.
  • I wish you had taken mathematics more seriously back in school because then as you grow old you would be able to count your age. Happy birthday dear brother, and my life grant you success that exceeds your educational level!


You may also like:

What Friends Are For | Best Birthday Messages for a Special Friend

Sisters Are Forever | Birthday Wishes for your Sister

Happy Bday, Bro! | Birthday Wishes for your Brother